Secrets
by FEHT
Summary: What happens when  you fall in love with your best friend's boyfriend? Then what happens when your best friend dies, do you go for it?


I sat in my room, still in bed. After what happened to Shirley, I didn't do anything. They told me she killed herself. I yelled out that it wasn't true. I've known Shirley when I was a child, before she and her mother moved when the mother found out that I was a full blooded Japanese. We met again at high school, since my uncle had a few connections. Since then, she has told me of every drama she had.

I was there when her father was buried. I was there when she told me that she had the biggest crush on Lelouch Lamperouge. She told me of how he occupied so much of her mind. I was there when she was suspicious of those who came a little bit too close to him. I was even there when she told me that it was Lelouch who was Zero and I keep it a secret to this day. But I soon had to keep another secret. I became fond of Lelouch as well.

She wouldn't have killed herself. She loved Lelouch too much and it was her reason to live. The only reason she would kill herself is if she had nothing to lose.

But that wasn't why I was in bed. I was ashamed of my reaction, so much so that I started throwing up even if I hadn't eaten.

I tried to go back to sleep, when I heard my cell phone go off. "Hello?" I answered.

"M?"

"K? What are you doing, calling me at this hour?" It was Kallen, but we used the first letter, in case Britannia ever controlled communication lines.

"Didn't he tell you? Didn't he call you?" He being Zero. "We are going to plan a party for a few Britannians. Are you sure he didn't call you?"

"No. Besides, I'm uneasy. Never mix a drink with meds," I joked. "If I go out, I'd probably accidentally get you guys. Tell me when the party's over so I'll talk to him about this."

"Alright M. Hope you get better."

"K, go take a few shots for me. Bye." And I hung up. I think I went to sleep because my cell phone jolted me up. It was Kallen.

"Hi K," I grumbled.

"He's free now M. Be careful."

"When am I ever?" I hung up. After a few minutes, I called him. I had to remember to call him Z, not Zero, and certainly not Lelouch.

"M? What are you doing, calling at this hour?"

"Z, I have a few questions for you, and I will get answers."

"Fine but make it short." The whir in the background was his ride.

My tone was serious. "K has called, wanting to know if I knew about the little party you were throwing. Why wasn't I informed?" From his silent response, I assumed that he will lie.

"This is neither the time nor place."

"No? Then when?"

"You were not necessary for this little gesture. You shouldn't question my actions." I hung up immediately after, then turned my cell silent. I don't need calls and I need sleep.

_Why are you still here? You are a despicable wretch. Feeling like this, you are not human._ "Shut up, please. It's all wrong." That was all I had to say before I reached for the bucket and spilling my insides into it.

I cried for two reasons. It hurts from actually throwing up and also the reality that everything I was thinking is true. I passed out after.

When I woke up, I saw Lelouch, reading, leaning against the window. My stomach churned endlessly. "Morning," he joked.

I tuned on my back. "How long was I asleep this time?"

"It's the afternoon. You should really see a doctor."

"I see. I keep sleeping longer," I said. "Sorry about the trouble, but I'm not gonna see a doctor." _No you're not. You like being with him. You'd do anything to stay here. _"Nope." _Then prove it!_

I pushed the covers off of me and sat up.

"Where are you going? You are in no condition to go out. You're still a little pale" he stated.

"Thanks for the diagnosis doc," I remarked as I weakly got up. " I'll see a doctor when I start sweating blood. Now, if you could please leave. I don't wish to change clothes with you here."

I changed into ripped jeans and a black blouse. After a once over on my black hair, I stumbled into the bathroom, cleaning my mouth. Out of the room, a servant was there. "Where are you going Miri?"

"Shirley's grave." There was an awkward silence afterward._ Told you. You never did care about her. _"I'll probably be there the rest of the day. Lelouch will pick me up when I call him."

The sun burned my back as I made my way to Shirley's tombstone. I can't believe it's been an entire year since I fist came here the day of the funeral. I collapsed on top of it. "Damn you," I said. "Why Shirley? You had no right to die. This is all your fault." Tears started spilling like a river. _That's right let it all out. Tell her that if she hadn't loved Lelouch, you'd be happy with him. _"NO! If you hadn't have died, then I wouldn't be in this situation. This is all your fault! Stop cursing me Shirley, please! _If you hadn't been friends with her, then this would be easier. You could be in Lelouch's arms if it hadn't been for her. Tell her. You vile creature. You're happy that she's gone so that you can make a move on Lelouch!_

"Shirley," I weakly smiled through my tears," I'm glad that I met you. I'm glad that we became friends. I'm glad that you trusted me so that I knew all about you. I'm sorry that I kept my secrets from you. I'm sorry for cursing you. I'm sorry for feeling this way. I'm sorry for everything even though you knew that I was Japanese. I hope that you can forgive me." With the sun burning me, I remember whispering Shirley's name before I passed out.

I was running in the darkness wearing the school uniform. I found myself in the student council's room. There was Shirley, alive. I was so happy that I wanted to run and hug my best friend. Then, there was Zero, or rather Lelouch in his Zero costume, just without the mask.

He had Shirley in his arms, kissing her. I felt so much relief. I would live in peace. Then, everything changed when Shirley disappeared into a shroud of lilies and roses. Lelouch disappeared. Then the setting changed from the room to the cemetery.

Shirley's tombstone formed in front of me. Lelouch then appeared to have me in his arms. "No!" screamed Shirley's voice. "He's mine Miriam. Get your hands off of him!" I felt invisible hands grabbing my limbs and slamming me to the ground. I tried to break free, but they were trying to pull me under. To my own grave.

I woke up to punching Lelouch in the jaw. I looked around me, seeing as I was back in bed. "For a sick girl, you pack a good punch," he joked while rubbing where I punched him.

_Yeah you are a sick girl. Even in your dreams, you still want to be with him. You don't give a damn what happened to Shirley. _"Sorry about the punch." There was a long pause. "Why didn't you just wake me up when you picked me up?"

"You were running a high temperature and had the chills. I told you that you should've gone to see a doctor." I stayed silent with my head hung. "Which is why one came while you passed out." My head snapped up to see him. "According to him, you're perfectly fine. The reason you're sick is a physiological conflict. Your mind is fighting against your own body. It's usually sparked with grief."

"I know, and if I let it consume me, I'll die." _You don't want to die. You want to live and be with him. _I grabbed the bucket and started puking again. When it stopped, Lelouch offered me a towel to wipe my mouth. "The only cure is to tell someone about it, and find some resolution."

"You know the cure for it, yet you don't use it?" Lelouch wondered aloud.

_If you tell him, he wouldn't want you anymore. _"I'm glad we came to an understanding," I said.

Within the following days, that agreement was repeated and became the sole reason I began to feel better. Soon, I was able to keep down light foods. Then, it all came back.

"Miss, it's wonderful that you're getting better. You're eating a lot more now and you're gaining color in your cheeks," said a maid as she was taking away the morning tray.

"I know. It'd be nice to get some fresh air again," I joked. I finally took a warm bath and cleaned myself off.

While looking at the mirror, I began to wander. I was so different from Shirley. While Shirley's hair long straight was a glistening orange honey, mine was the color of midnight with curls at the end. Shirley's eyes were golden while mine were tarnished silver. If Shirley didn't have a chance, why me? _You're alive. Shirley's dead. That's what draws him to you. _"Shut up," I whispered. I made my way to Lelouch's door. My hand actually trembled when I tried to knock.

_What are you doing? What are you planning? Everything will be finished if you screw things over. _Another thought popped over my head. My hand stopped shaking. I went through the back door, and up the staircase leading to the roof. _Let's think this through. What exactly are you planning to do? _I looked around the school. The clock tower was the highest building, but I don't want slope. The next highest was the club building.

Being in good favor with Lelouch, who is in good favor with the Ashfords, I was able to open any room, even if it was on a weekend. I was silent throughout my walk. My steps echoed throughout the halls. When I got to the roof, there was a breeze. I closed the door behind me.

Making my way toward the ledge, I realized what I was doing. _No, no, no, no. If you do this, you'll ruin everything for us. _"If I do this, then there's nothing. I'd rather have nothing than have everything be just beyond my grasp and never be able to reach it no matter what I do." I sat down on the ledge, facing the door. "I live, and I will always be haunted," I whispered, bowing my head. "I die, and everything will disappear. No guilt. I won't be sick anymore." _"But Lelouch. You won't love Lelouch anymore." _I chuckled for a small bit. "That," I breathed, "is the biggest perk of all."

I rose my head back, and let my body follow. Before I felt my fall from the ledge, I saw the door, opening?

"Miri!" I heard faintly as I fell. My mind was dark as I felt something. I thought my body hit the floor, but something was odd.

I felt my arm strained, and my body bounced. Maybe I hit the floor on my side? Then why is my hand felt like being squished? Did I land on my hand?

"Miriam! Miriam, wake up!" I don't get it. Didn't I already die? Shouldn't I be in hell by now? Or, am I still alive.?

"Come on Miri! I don't know how long I can hold on!" I slowly opened my eyes and looked up to see- "Lelouch! Lelouch, what are you doing?" Then I realized the situation. I'm far from the floor with Lelouch holding on to me. He let's go and I die.

"Lelouch, drop me!" I yelled.

"What!"

"You heard me. It'd be easy for all of us if you just let me go." I tried to squirm my hand off to die.

"I won't lose you," he said. "I won't lose you like I did Shirley." He said it with much conviction. My hands were trembling as I got a good grip on him as he pulled me up. "What were you thinking?" he gasped when he got me safely on the roof. "Why would you want to kill yourself?"

"Let go of me." He grabbed my arm as I tried to get away. He just looked at me with so much anger, but where is it directed?

"_Don't you dare! He'll hate you. I won't allow this to happen!"_ My body felt heavy and my head was feathery light. I faced him, face to face. "You want to know what happened?" I practically yelled. My stomach and chest were tightening. "I've been Shirley's friend since we were kids. It didn't matter if I was Japanese. She's told me every little secret and every experience she's endured. I was there to comfort her when her father died. I was there when she found out that you were Zero, the leader of the rebellion." He let go of me by this point. I looked at him straight in the eye. My legs felt that someone grabbed my muscles and pulled to rip them apart. However, I was still standing.

"But most of all, I was there when you came into her life. Damn it, you're the cause of all this. From the moment you two met, she's been talking non stop about how good you are, and how she wished she wanted to make you happy.

At first, I was fine with this. But after a while, it bothered me. Not because it was annoying, but because I started to have feelings for you." So that was out there in the open. I started having difficulty breathing, but not letting it show. I had to finish this before my body shuts down. "But I knew I had to keep it a secret. If I hadn't it would've destroyed the friendship I had with Shirley. So I had to keep another secret. And now she's dead, and I'm under your care."

"I-I never realized," started Lelouch.

"Of course not," I droned out. I was starting to lose consciousness, and I started to support myself with the ledge. "Now, every time I think of you, I'm putting Shirley's name through dirt, and that's something I can't live with. I can't deal with this anymore, so dying is better than this." With my last sigh, I felt myself hitting the roof. Everything went blank.

I heard something too soft to understand. "What?" I mumbled, "Speak up."

"Miriam, what are you doing here?" I heard that too clear.

I got up and widened my eyes to see Shirley. "Shirley, what the-? I thought you were-" I started but she interrupted.

"I am Miriam. You, on the other hand, are halfway. And you have to go back."

I looked around my surroundings. I was in a space, neither open nor closed. There was light surrounding me, and Shirley had on her normal clothes. I had on my clothes when I tried to commit suicide. "Why do I have to go back? Do you have any idea-"

"Of course I do," she interrupted. "I know perfectly well what's been going on." Her tone was a harsh one. I tried to use my arms to shield myself from her wrath.

"I'm sorry," I pleaded, closing my eyes tight until they hurt. "Shirley, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to-"

She was calm now, sitting down in front of me. "I know you didn't. It's only natural for you to be like this. You're too good a friend."

I looked up. "What about the dream? With you a-and Lelouch?"

"That was just a dream. What really should happen is you should be alive, with him."

"But he's yours," I cried. "You love him. You want to see him happy."

"And look where it's brought me. I don't want you to die. It's not supposed to happen.' She paused before speaking again. "But you are right about one thing- I did and still do want to see him happy. And now, what will make him happy is to see you by his side."

I felt something wet on my cheek. A tear? I looked at Shirley. "Please tell me this is a horrible illusion."

She chuckled a bit. "This is not a dream. Now, what you have to do is wake up and be by his side."

Shirley then turned into a small beam of light. The space around me swirled as I was slowly lowered to the darkness. Before I was consumed by it, I heard Shirley's voice again. "You're free to do anything. I want both of you to be happy."

Beep-Beep-Beep. My body… Why does it feel so damn sore? I kept hearing a beep, like an alarm clock. I stretched my arm, feeling my way to find the clock. Instead I found cords and machines. I opened my eyes to find myself in hospital bed.

An IV tube was shoved down my arm. A nurse opened the door to see me. "Look who's awake?" she joked as she closed the door behind her. She was carrying another machine.

"How long was I out?" I asked her as she clipped the machine on to me.

"A few days," she replied when she recorded my vitals. "And all the while, _he _stayed by your side." She nodded her head to the side when she was done. "You are lucky to have him." And like that, she left with the machines.

I saw to where she pointed. Lelouch was there, sleeping on the chair. It didn't seem that comfortable. _He wouldn't have stayed if he didn't care. _"That or he pities me," I whispered.

I grabbed the mechanism that was attached to my arm and dragged it. I was going to walk. My first few were unsteady but I regained my balance. He was still asleep. I felt his hand, cold. He started to wake.

I slowly tried to walk backward but he beat me to it. "Miriam," he called.

"Now look who's the sleeper," I meekly joked. He jumped and came to hug me.

"Thank goodness you're alright."

"Lelouch," I gasped, "I need to breathe."

"Oh right. Sorry." He broke loose of the hug but didn't keep his hands off of my arms. "How are you feeling?"

I searched for the right answer. "Better than I have in a long time."

"I'm sorry, Miriam."

I looked up at him. There were a lot of things he should be sorry for, but, "For what?" He lead me to sit down on the bed with him.

"I wasn't completely honest with you," he replied. "When I didn't want you to come to the Britannian attack."

"I thought it was because I was too sick and could jeopardize the mission."

"That was part of it. But also, I realized that I couldn't live with myself if something happened to you."

My heart skipped a beat. "What exactly are you-" I didn't finish when I felt warm lips upon my own.

"Miriam, I want you to know that I love you. And I want you to be by my side when all this is over."

It was my turn to kiss him. "I wouldn't want it any other way."


End file.
